FishingCop
Well-known member
>
> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
>
> The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
> --------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
>
> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
> check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it...
>
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
> debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
>
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed
> that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments > will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your
> bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
>
> Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find
> attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
>
> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
> no alternative.
>
> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
> details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
>
> In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
> dealings with me.
>
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again,> I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.
>
> When you call me, press buttons as follows:
> IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
>
> #1. To make an appointment to see me
>
> #2. To query a missing payment.
>
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>
> #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>
> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>
> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
>
> Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
>
> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10
>
> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
>
> The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
>
> #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
>
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
> arrangement.
>
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
>
> Your Humble Client
>
> And remember:
>
> Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
>
> The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
> --------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
>
> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
> check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it...
>
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
> debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
>
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed
> that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments > will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your
> bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
>
> Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find
> attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
>
> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
> no alternative.
>
> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
> details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
>
> In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
> dealings with me.
>
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again,> I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.
>
> When you call me, press buttons as follows:
> IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
>
> #1. To make an appointment to see me
>
> #2. To query a missing payment.
>
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>
> #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>
> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>
> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
>
> Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
>
> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10
>
> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
>
> The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
>
> #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
>
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
> arrangement.
>
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
>
> Your Humble Client
>
> And remember:
>
> Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.