How to Poop at Work

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BaitCaster

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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, the following is the 2002 Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work
will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and **** proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
 
:roflmao:

I have trained my body over the years to never, never need to poop at work... or any public place for that matter.
 
When I have to go, I have to go.

Anyone in there that it easily offended needs to leave. :mrgreen:

Jim, if you hunt enough.. doing the deed in the woods becomes second nature. One should never go out without strikin' paper in a ziploc. :wink:
 
Quackrstackr said:
When I have to go, I have to go.

Anyone in there that it easily offended needs to leave. :mrgreen:

Jim, if you hunt enough.. doing the deed in the woods becomes second nature. One should never go out without strikin' paper in a ziploc. :wink:

Up in these parts we have Dunkin Donuts...The car is always stuffed with that sand paper....no worries there. :LOL2:
 
Wow, that is hilarious. I'm with QS is I have to go I go. I will try to avoid bathrooms with only 2 stalls though. And if I am in the woods or around a pond that has woods around it and no one remotely close, I will not hesitate. I always have some kind of napkins, paper towels or something.

If yall haven't seen it you should also check out the Gerald Swindle maintenance wipe on youtube. It will make you want to keep baby wipes with you too.
 
poolie said:
:roflmao:

I have trained my body over the years to never, never need to poop at work... or any public place for that matter.

I always thought a person had to train themselves TO use a public toilet? For me not going #2 in a pblic bathroom is just natrual
 
I think my digestive system has a very cruel sense of humor. I can pretty much predict exactly when I have to go. That would be as soon as I walk into a store....be it grocery, hardware, etc.. Hate it....and there's nothing I can do about it. Very cruel I tell you....very cruel! :mrgreen:
 
Well i gota say guys, there is nothing better than getting paid to crap while on the clock..... I don't know if it's just a southern thing but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone I work with lol..
 
fender66 said:
I think my digestive system has a very cruel sense of humor. I can pretty much predict exactly when I have to go. That would be as soon as I walk into a store....be it grocery, hardware, etc.. Hate it....and there's nothing I can do about it. Very cruel I tell you....very cruel! :mrgreen:
me and you both my friend, mine seem to hit me everytime i go out to eat..
 
bobberboy said:
To think that in a few short weeks these kind of informative, public service kind of posts will have to give way to fishing reports again. Anyone here looking forward to spring?
:LOL22: :LMFAO:
 
Jim said:
But I did have to one time hunting...........Oh my lord what an experience that was! :LOL2: :LOL2: :LOL2: :LOL2:


You got that right.. I keep a full roll of TP in a zip lock bag in my backpack at all time now. you never know when the post-pizza-night soft serve is coming! :shock:
 
As bad as it is to have to use a john while at work, my worst experience was having to use it while I was in Bosnia and Kosovo. In the boonies where I often was and in the old city of Sarajevo, American-style toilets are almost non-existent. Their version of a toilet is a 4-inch hole that you squat over. Some of them have these outlines of footprints that you place your feet on, presumably so that the working end of your body aligns with the hole. Maybe Bosnian and Kosovar body proportions are different than American anatomies but for the life of me I just couldn't seem to hit the hole. I always seemed to leave a pile on one side of the hole or the other, and even after eight months in Bosnia my aim didn't seem to improve much. Worse than that, they aren't really into toilet paper over there but beside the hole was a bottle of water. I'm not even going to explain its use. Suffice it to say that as much as I try to adapt to the local customs when I'm out of the country, I carried a music roll with me at all times and avoided the water bottle. And the worst thing of all was walking out of the bathroom and feeling a wet doorknob. Oh, and the women who cleaned the bathrooms thought nothing of coming in unannounced while you were perched over the hole with the moon shining brightly.

When I was in Kosovo, we were staying in large tents in the middle of a field just outside Pristina. Things were still pretty dicey over there at that time and were were protected at all times, day and night, by KFOR soldiers. We had portapotties, of course, but they were a pretty good distance away and from time to time you could hear someone get up to answer a call of nature in the middle of the night and return in much less time than it would have taken had they walked to the portolets. After being there only a short time, one day after our morning meeting the head of our contingent announced, "Ladies, I know it's a long way to the outhouse, but our SFOR guards have asked us to remind you that they have night vision goggles."
 
I experienced that a lot in Europe. The train station in Italy really sticks in my mind. Had an upset stomach and......well, a 4 inch hole over a running trough just isn't pleasant at all. Squat over this? No handles to hold onto? Ended up taking my pants off to be safe!

Now there's an image you don't want in you mind too long. :shock:
 
fender66 said:
I experienced that a lot in Europe. The train station in Italy really sticks in my mind. Had an upset stomach and......well, a 4 inch hole over a running trough just isn't pleasant at all. Squat over this? No handles to hold onto? Ended up taking my pants off to be safe!

Now there's an image you don't want in you mind too long. :shock:

Reminds me of a story one of my hunting buddies told about his dad. Will's dad was hunting in the dead of winter in Montana many years ago and had to answer a call of nature. He was wearing insulated coveralls, so he unzipped the front, peeled the top down to his knees, squatted down, and tucked the top between his legs. Finishing up, he pulled the top back up and continued hunting.

That evening he and the rest of his hunting buddies were sitting around the campfire when a couple of guys downwind of Will's dad began sniffing the air. After a few minutes one of them said, "I smell .... and I think it's coming from you." Will's dad checked the bottom of his boots and, finding nothing, said, "Well, it isn't me." The sniffing continued and shortly thereafter everyone had narrowed the source of the smell to Will's dad. His dad unzipped his insulated coveralls only to find that his aim had been off a bit and that he had taken a dump in his coveralls without knowing it. From all accounts he hasn't lived that one down yet.
 

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